What I want
by loboscuro
Summary: A Bella/Carlisle romance. Set just after the Cullens leave in New Moon, except in this story Carlisle stayed.
1. Chapter 1

Carlisle tried to stay away from me. He seemed to know, despite not being able to mind-read as _he_ could, that his scent, his very _presence_, reminded me always of _him_. I sought him out after a few days, telling myself that it was unfair of me to let Carlisle suffer for what was not his fault. He was in the study, but of course he sensed when I approached the door.

"Bella," he said, just loud enough for my human ears to hear him through the door, and I pushed into the room.

I opened my mouth to thank him, but somehow I said, "Why did you stay?"

His eyes were dark ochre; nearly all the gold had melted away after two months without feeding. He did not respond. And to my horror, looking at his liquid topaz eyes, I felt again the fresh pain of Edward's departure. The frustration of his silence – completely unrelated to all the anger and fury which I could not vent upon their rightful receiver, _him_, bubbled to the surface, and this time it was too much for me. I knew only that I had moved from before his desk to push him up against the window behind it; he had not put up any resistance at all to me, the weak, useless human. What harm could _I_ do him?

"Bella." He said my name softly, the inflections different from his tongue, his accent entirely void of any remembrance of _him_. This was good. This was progress. His cool breath smelled just as sweet as _his_, but in a different, less tangible way, lacking the rawness of youth. The intoxicating smell emanated from his skin, his clothes, and surrounded me.

He was cool against me, less icy than Edward but still cold enough. I looked up to find his eyes again, and my gaze stopped right there, right on his face. His head was leaned back against the window – I was still pushing him against it – and a stripe of sunlight fell right down his face, his neck. His pale skin sparkled now, like _his_ had, the shine of millions of diamonds embedded in his immortal body. It was the most _vampire_-like I had ever seen Carlisle, and a strange feeling washed over me.

I was being dazzled again.

"Sorry," I said, quickly stepping back, pulling my arm from his shirt.

"It's okay," he said, softly, moving away from the window. At this shift in position his arms began to glimmer in another ray of sunshine.

After a pause, during which he gazed at me, trying to gauge my feelings, I repeated my question.

"Why did you stay?"

He responded this time. "Alice had a vision."

I waited, heart quickening suddenly.

"I…had turned, was turning you, here."

I snapped up to meet his eyes. "Here, here?"

He nodded, slowly. "And now…it's you're decision."

What did he expect me to say? I thought this even as he took me in his arms, exposing my throat, tilting my head to the side. He bent over me, and I felt his cool breath over the pulse in my neck.

"Are you sure?"

I nodded almost imperceptibly. A less observant temperament would have let Carlisle end it, or start it, forever, right then; sink his teeth into the vein, hold me tight against him as the venom took hold and I underwent the transformation.

But he saw the uncertainty on my face, even that one split-second, and he stopped.

"You're not," he said, gently.

"The thing is," I said, and I could barely hear my voice, "I used to want this so much so I could be with Edward."

I had said his name.

"And now?" Carlisle was calm, as usual, and patient.

"Now…I want…"

I did not know what I had ever intended to say. I did the next thing almost instinctively, thoughtless, reaching for Carlisle and stepping close to him in a hug. After a while, his arm went around my waist, his other hand resting in the middle of my back.

"I don't know…" Even as I spoke, I reached up, pushing my fingers through his hair. He inhaled sharply when I angled his head and began to pull him down, leaning up and closer to him.

"Stop," he said. "Bella, what are you doing?"

I comprehended the words only as I spoke them. "I'm taking…what I want."

I kissed him, parting his lips with my own, touching the coldness of his tongue and his teeth. He stopped with a harsh breath when I pulled across his jaw and down, further, to nibble and nip at the flawless skin of his neck. I smiled into his throat and backed us slowly into the warmth of the sunlight streaming through the window. He caught to life, the glitter sparking all over him, and I kissed his lips hungrily, and this time – this time – he kissed back.


	2. Chapter 2

He caught to life, the glitter sparking all over him, and I kissed his lips hungrily, and this time – this time – he kissed back.

* * *

But it was such an ambiguous kiss. Just the slightest pressure of his lips on mine, the chastest of mouth on mouth kisses, before he pulled away, gently. Always gentle.

"But I'm not," he said. How could anybody besides a vampire make a rejection so dearly tender? He smiled at me then, and removed himself from my arms. I felt cold, now - how ironic - and the lonesomeness I had felt since Edward had gone came back in a little rush.

Carlisle had moved to the other side of his desk again, organising his paperwork, subtly distancing the two of us. His countenance was as usual; well, as usual as it could be after his son's abandoned...girlfriend...had just thrown herself at him. His face was open. This topic was still open right now, if I cared to continue.

Oh, I cared. "Carlisle..."

He met my eyes, and I was struck once more by the blackness of his.

"What are you going to do?" I asked, helpless, unable to think of a way to phrase all the thoughts and feelings in my head.

"I am going to go hunting," Carlisle said, simply. "And then I will tie up my hospital documents, and I will leave on Friday."

"Friday?" I whispered. "So soon?"

He came close again, and kissed my forehead. "Dear Bella. I'm afraid so." He looked genuinely sad at the prospect of going, of leaving me alone.

But he was still doing it.

"So much for your compassion," I said, and my voice was beginning to boil with the lava of tears and anger. Pushing him away - or rather, propelling myself off him - I left the room, stomped down the stairs and out of the house.

He could have stopped me any time. That was what really killed me.

* * *

But I couldn't possibly leave it like this.

I drove as far as I could, then abandoned my truck and took to running to the place Edward had shown me, the place they hunted. Well, running as I knew it. I was doubled over in seconds, wheezing, and fell instead to a weak pattern of _jog, jog, step, step_.

I stopped when I saw a footprint; a bare "human" footprint.

But surely Carlisle...?

There was a ripping, snarling sound from behind me, and I spun, eyes wide, falling back to the tree behind me;

It was him. Crouched, barefoot, eyes feral and burning dark, Doctor Carlisle Cullen bared his teeth at me.

And stopped, abruptly, almost before I could register his first appearance. He straightened up with the speed and grace only vampires possessed, his eyes taming at once.

"Good God, Bella," he said, and his voice unlike his appearance was still angry. "Are you trying to get yourself killed?"

I started to rebut, but remembered everything, how they had all left me here alone. "It'd be for the best."

Suddenly, I was the one pinned back against something. "_Never_ say that," he growled, the syllables deep from his chest. I felt a strange twist of utter instinctive fear and gratitude that he cared. And it was odd, this protectiveness coming from him; similar yet so different to Edward.

Then he was away from me again. "Go home, Bella."

So many contrasting emotions in just a few seconds; I felt torn, pulled to one side by fury and another by despair, and finally the yanks on my heart that went nowhere at all but out of my body. "Fine," I snapped. "I will." I turned and began to march off into the trees.

_Crap_.

Which way did I come from again?

When I turned back, slowly, feeling the blood begin to rush to my face, Carlisle was still standing there, head turned after me, a small unwilling smile playing now on his lips. "Bella, you are unbelievable."

"Shut up," I mumbled, but I was not as angry as before; something pulled on the corners of my mouth, determined to make me smile. I felt the flush deepen, and Carlisle looked away.

"I have to hunt," he said, "But I'll be quick."

"I'll wait," I said, stupidly. Of course I had to wait.

* * *

_A/N: I hope I got their characters alright. If not - or if you just want to comment - please review and tell me :D_


	3. Chapter 3

Carlisle was still standing there, head turned after me, a small unwilling smile playing now on his lips. "Bella, you are unbelievable."

* * *

I'd been sitting gingerly on the dried leaves of the dirt ground when there was a flash of movement, and a deer lay slain meters from me. I gave the smallest of cringes before the deer died, clearly now void of suffering.

Carlisle materialised beside it and, kneeling, began to drink.

I watched in fascination. I had vaguely imagined Carlisle drinking, and the scenarios had varied vastly. Would he drink with passionate abandon, finally stripped of that control which seemed to fit like a glove over him, limiting his every move around me? That frustrating control; his every action seemed curbed, too carefully measured.

Perhaps he would be exactly that, calm and controlled. Perhaps he would slit the throat with surgical precision, before bending to drink the blood as though taking a medicine which he loathed but which he knew was necessary for him to survive. A reflection of that carefulness.

His head moved slightly as he drank, and from my angle his face was buried in the animal's neck. He could have been weeping; I knew he was biting.

Unbidden, the thought of him like _that_ with _me_ came to mind. Only _I_ was not dead, and he not biting, but -

My heart hammered away, twisting in pain and anger and regret that Carlisle would not have me.

But surely, if he knows I love him, then -

Hang on.

* * *

He doesn't know I love him.

I didn't know myself until that afternoon. So to him, I was merely grief-stricken after being dumped by Edward, and was clinging to him perhaps because he was a vampire, or simply because he was someone to cling to.

Well, then, I thought triumphantly, I'll tell him I love him. And he'll realise - that it's him I _want_, truly, _love_ with all my heart.

Holy crow, but I'd said that I wanted him and then _kissed _him. No wonder he got the wrong idea. That he was some kind of - rebound guy.

Seriously, how could Carlisle ever be the rebound guy?

And okay, to be honest, I _do_ want him in _that_ way. But then, he's...you know. Want-able.

* * *

He dragged the body away in an instant after he had finished, and returned after half a minute or so. It was turning dark; dim shadows reached from the settling dusk.

"Let's get back," he said.

"Let's," I agreed.

"You came in your truck?"

I nodded, and he stepped away from me and inhaled deeply, turning slowly. "Ah. Yes."

We began to walk in the direction he chose. "What was that?"

"Oh, your truck smells of you," he said. "So I traced wherever else your scent was coming from."

"You can smell that far away?" I asked, still awed by the pure power of a vampire.

He smiled at me, and I felt instantly gladdened. And then I tripped on an unseen root.

Carlisle caught me swiftly, steadying me before I had a chance to break something. I was reminded sharply of the first time I'd met him at the hospital, after the car accident. I'd been so obsessed with Edward then, this strange boy who was drawn and repulsed to me at the same time. I'd been so curious - and the love, perhaps I loved him, perhaps I had not. I did not now.

But did I?

* * *

I loved Carlisle. Could I love Edward, still? And if I loved them both then how was I supposed to find my _true love_, this mate all vampires seemed to need so desperately?

The thought branched off; Carlisle had a mate. Carlisle and Esme: they were probably the binding force of the Cullens, these two who loved so passionately and felt so deeply for others and themselves.

I tripped again, and Carlisle stopped me again, this time with a frown of concern. "Bella, it's getting darker..."

"...and I trip even in sunlight," I joked, weakly. Then I realised with a jolt what he was offering. "Oh," I said, taken aback.

"Oh, well," he said. "I'm sorry if I insulted you."

Nobody had actually referred to the idea yet; we danced around it, unsure why it was so important.

"No, no," I said. "I'd love it if...I'm grateful you..."

"Oh, okay," he said, with a smile. I grinned back stupidly. "Ah..." He turned his back to me, looking over his shoulder quizzically.

"Um," I said, and ducked my head. I put my hands on his shoulders, shyly. Why was this so - so _much_? We'd kissed. Well, I'd kissed him and he'd kissed me a little back.

Maybe that made it all the more awkward.

I put my arms around his neck, feeling yet another spasm of remembrance, this time of Edward, soaring through the air with me...

And then Carlisle reached for my legs, and slung me properly onto his back. Instinctively, I clamped my legs around his waist and locked my arms around his neck.

_I'm a bit heavier than your average backpack._

I wasn't aware that I had whispered the thought.

"I'm sorry," Carlisle whispered back. What was with all the subtle implications in our conversations? How had he known that was a recollection?

He was walking now, as though preparing for take off. "Did you look, before?"

I smiled slightly. "No, I get very dizzy."

Well, at least I wasn't afraid I would hit a tree and die anymore. There was something so completely trustworthy about Carlisle.

* * *

_A/N: Thanks so much for the reviews, you guys!  
_


	4. Chapter 4

_I'm a bit heavier than your average backpack_.

* * *

He stopped all too soon beside my truck and I slipped to my feet reluctantly. "Thanks, Carlisle."

"You're welcome." His eyes were gold now, bright and warm. "Take care, Bella."

He hugged me, and let go almost - but not _quite_ - too hastily.

"You leave on Friday."

"Yes," he said.

* * *

"Bells? You better?"

"I'm fine, Ch-Dad."

He sat down heavily on my chair with a sigh, and looked up from where I was slumped face down in my pillow in surprise. He would usually just nod, frown, leave.

"It's Edward, isn't it," he said.

I looked away reflexively. "No. It's all of them."

Charlie looked somewhat happier, and then growing glum, said, "Oh, I know, Bells. It's terrible, their leaving."

"I'm gonna miss them so much," I muttered, blocking an unbidden flash of tousled bronze with Carlisle's blonde, and his movie star awesomeness that had struck me the first time.

"You should hear the La Push folks," Charlie said, voice growing fierce suddenly. "So happy they can _finally go to the hospital_ now." He must have read my mind.

There was a silence during which I scowled and nodded.

"At least they won't be there tomorrow night," Charlie said, reverting to happy.

"Tomorrow night?"

"Dr Cullen's leaving dinner," he said. "The hospital got it together. It's kinda unfortunate the others have gone already. You'd think his wife woulda stayed."

"Oh, yes," I said. _He stayed to change me_. "Leaving dinner? Are we going?"

"I was wondering if you wanted to," Charlie said, sheepishly. "I didn't want to leave you alone. I mean, you don't really know him..."

I felt a snap of irrational indignation. Well, to Charlie I didn't know Carlisle...there was no reason why I _should_. "Oh I don't mind," I said, trying to sound disinterested and not too eager. "It would be polite."

* * *

"They must really like him," I commented. A banner stretched across the gate in front of the homey little restaurant's yard.

"Of course they like him," Jessica said, and nudged me, and giggled. Her dad had been invited, and her family had come along too. It was somewhat rare to see Forks in this close-knit small-community way.

"How nice of you to come," Carlisle said. My gaze snapped up; he was smiling, talking to a couple a few steps ahead of us.

His smile seemed almost smug when he turned it in our direction, the smirk factor directed to me. No doubt he had heard Jessica. "Carlisle," I said.

"Dr Cullen," Jessica said, with a slight bat of her eyelashes. I hid a grimace at her obvious attraction winning over the dislike I remembered from my first day in school - her jealousy of his beautiful kids.

"Ms. Stanley," he said, with a charming smile, inclining his head.

We passed through, Jessica's grin frozen hugely on her face, her eyes wide with pure delight.

"_Did you see that?_" she squeaked.

"Oh, you're shameless," I said, tempering the words with a good-natured tone. "He _is_ married, you know."

She scoffed. "Better than you, Bella. _Carlisle_," she imitated me.

"I do not sound like that."

Even as I spoke I flushed deeply, knowing my hypocrisy. Jessica looked curious, and then evilly happy. "You are such a hypocrite! But," she continued, in a low secretive voice, "I thought you were all about Edward."

I drew an angry breath. How dare she mention him?

Before I could say anything else, Jessica perked up. "Oh, look, Mike's here too! What a coincidence." Sensing my sudden sullenness, she left.

* * *

"And now..." Dr Snow looked vaguely embarrassed, as though whatever he was going to say had not been his idea, "It's time for the dancing."

There was a flurry of excitement among the thirty-odd people gathered at the dinner. "So _that's_ why it's formal dress," a woman murmured.

Carlisle smiled, and if it existed, his embarrassment was not apparent.

"As Mrs Cullen is not present, we shall need a victim - I do beg your pardon, a volunteer to lead the dance with Dr Cullen here."

There was a titter, though those of the fairer sex were looking much more animated than before. I sighed. All those poor husbands.

"Ooh, why don't you volunteer, Bella," Charlie said, attempting to sound interested.

I rolled my eyes. "Dancing? Fat chance, Charlie. I plan on living through tonight."

The final "victim" - though the real victims were probably her jealous colleagues - was a pretty-ish woman with a straight blonde bob, who, it went around, was a nurse and had worked with Dr Cullen since he arrived in Forks two years ago.

My heart fluttered and died against my wishes upon seeing him reach out his hand to her, his other behind his back, with a slight _May I? _bow. _Three centuries_, I thought. I was the only one to know. I felt a rush of petty triumph.

* * *

_A/N: __Reviews would be love.__ Reviewers - I thank you. You are my motivation.  
_


	5. Chapter 5

_I rolled my eyes. "Dancing? Fat chance, Charlie. I plan on living through tonight."_

* * *

I watched rather sourly as Carlisle and the nurse - Izzie, short for _Isabel_ - danced, moving gracefully. Izzie was not a bad dancer, I admitted grudgingly. But then again, anybody was better than me. I rolled my eyes at the other women's hopeful looks at Carlisle - like Jessica, who was dancing with Mike - when the first song ended.

Charlie looked rather guiltily at me. He was probably hoping I would find somebody to do the next one with...but this was a hospital dinner party, not the Prom; I didn't know anybody, what did he expect?

Not that anybody would dance with me on the Prom, but still.

Then I realised that Charlie was giving Mike what he must have thought was a surreptitious glance. I scowled internally, and leaning toward him said, sweetly, "What a lovely couple Mike and Jessica make."

"Oh," Charlie said, gruffly. "Erm. Yes."

Charlie tried to tow me out for a dance himself, probably feeling sorry for my lack of suitors.

"Charlie," I began, exasperated. "I-"

"Bella," Carlisle's voice cut in, pleasant and musical in all the right places. "May I have the next dance?"

My mouth remained open. Charlie looked at me, and then at Carlisle, alarmed. His expression seemed to be telling me not to deny the good doctor too harshly.

Which probably made the next words out of my mouth that much worse for Charlie.

"Uh," I said. "Y-you may."

Carlisle smiled and, ever correct, turning to Charlie, asked, "May we?"

"Oh, Dr. Cullen," Charlie said, taken aback at my response. He gave me a baffled and slightly disapproving look. Probably thought Carlisle was too old. I stifled a snicker at the thought. Well, in _one_ way, Carlisle was younger than Charlie believed...

"C'mon, Dad," I mumbled, embarrassed, looking at my feet.

Charlie looked back at Carlisle again, and grunted, "Go ahead," still looking not entirely happy.

"Thanks," I said.

* * *

This was bizarre. When had I ever _wanted _to dance so badly? _Getting away _from it I could understand, but actually _dancing_?

"Bella," Carlisle said, with that ridiculously endearing little bow. He must have heard my heart race, because the corners of his lips quirked up slightly.

I placed my hand in his and reached for his shoulder with the other.

He held me lightly at the waist, and we began to -

Wow. Probably vampire grace rubbed off even on me, because at least I wasn't shuffling and stepping on people's feet. It could even (possibly) be described as swaying.

"I never knew dancing could be fun," I said, grinning.

"That's because you've never truly danced, my dear."

I looked away, frowning slightly. My _dear_? Did he like me or _not_?

"So you're not going to change me?" I asked, softly. I found his eyes again; gold as ever.

"Do you want me to?" he replied.

"Maybe." I considered. "Yes."

"I thought you weren't sure about Edward anymore," he said, and his cool breath smelled achingly sweet.

I narrowed my eyes at him; he looked perfectly innocent.

"_He's_ not the reason," I said, suspiciously.

"Is he not?" Carlisle asked, his tone blank.

"No," I said, and under my breath, knowing he could hear it, "You are."

"Ah," Carlisle sighed. "And if I told you I was married?"

His tone was light, too light, as though we were treading now on the broken shards of that afternoon.

* * *

Jessica was thrilled to be my friend tonight.

"Stupid doctors," Mike said to himself as he battled manfully on in our version of the third dance.

Carlisle and I exchanged a quick glance and I hid a smile at the mock alarm in his eyes.

Dr. Cullen dipped Jessica only very slightly at the end of the dance, as appropriate, while Mike regarded me before I told him to forget it. I left the floor - well, the main area of the courtyard people were dancing in - and returned to sit beside Charlie.

"Why don't you find someone to dance with?" I teased slightly.

"Hmmpf," he said, grumpily. "Had a good time, then?"

"Well, _partly_."

Charlie sat a little straighter. "With Mike?"

I scowled outright this time. "No, with Carlisle." Charlie gave me an odd look. "With Dr. Cullen," I amended, flushing slightly.

Charlie's expression looked torn between scandalised, disapproving and happy at my enjoyment.

I sighed. "Well, I'll go use the bathroom now." I stood and headed for the door of the slightly darkened restaurant.

* * *

Carlisle stepped out of the men's room when I was a few steps away. "Bella," he said, politely. Why would he need the toilet at all? As though he had heard my question, he smiled wryly. "Dinner was lovely, was it not?"

I laughed slightly in understanding, feeling rather bad for him at the same time. But then he had had three centuries to get used to not being able to eat...

I took advantage of our temporary privacy because he did not move on immediately. "Will you change me, Carlisle?"

"You don't want me to," he said slowly, and it was like a warning almost.

"I - I _do_."

"You have a perfectly good life ahead of you. You can - you can do countless things we - _I_ - could not dream of."

I began to respond, but the restaurant door sounded at the end of the corridor; swiftly, Carlisle pulled me into the store room next to us. His eyes were the only source of light in the dark, for he did not flick the switch.

* * *

_A/N: Reviews are lovely guys!_iheartquestionmark95_ - I'm glad you like this! _sunshine37_ - oh, Charlie has no idea... _Brittz303_ - thanks for the motivation, lol. _pratly2_ - aww I love you too! :) and thanks for the food. _music4life6661_ - thanks for loving it :D  
_


	6. Chapter 6

_His eyes were the only source of light in the dark, for he did not flick the switch.  
_

* * *

"Bella, you can touch. You can eat; you can _feel_ as only humans can. You're _alive_, Bella..." his eyes left mine abruptly. "I'm not." His voice was low and as rough as the velvet vampire tones could ever be.

I felt the bottom of my stomach drop out with a cold ache. "Carlisle..." my pitiful human voice cracked.

"Technically," Carlisle whispered, "I'm not human. Maybe I was once. But I'm not, now, we're different - so entirely different...I'm dead. Can't you see?"

"I don't care. You _can_...feel. If you couldn't, if you didn't...you wouldn't have...you wouldn't care."

I put a hand, trembling slightly, on his chest, cold through his white shirt, over his heart.

"My unbeating heart." His tone was bitter.

"_Technically_. And that's not the problem," I said, softly. "You know I have no problem with vampires."

He met my gaze. His eyes were clear, a gold so deep and rich, so insanely nonhuman and yet so unquestionably _feeling_.

The tips of his fingers touched my face. "Bella..."

Slowly, pulling against something like he knew better but he could not resist, he leaned down to me. I reached for him, fisting my hand in his hair, the golden softness at the nape of his neck. He kissed like a first kiss, treasuring the tiniest movements; like a last kiss, taking everything; but most of all like he could never, ever have enough.

When he let me go suddenly I felt I could not stand by myself, and I found the door and leaned back on it. "You - you do love me."

His hand was curled into a fist by his side. He did not look at me.

"You do love me," I said again, my voice dropping to a whisper. "Say it - Carlisle?"

His eyes snapped up, then, with a sudden ferocity. "Yes, Bella. I love you. I love you so much that I would have taken - taken you right here, right then, despite everything else - despite my wife, my son, my family, our reputations. Yes, I love you, Bella."

Startled, backing away slightly, I said, haltingly, "If you felt like that - and didn't take me - then you don't love me."

His gaze dropped from mine again. "Will you never understand?"

There was a long silence in which we did not look at each other. Everything was gone, dark. Edward was gone and Carlisle was going. "Then there is nothing left," I said to the floor. "Nothing to love. Nothing to live for."

"I am only sorry Edward has left," Carlisle said in a unfeeling stone voice which did not belong to him. "I told him he should not have left."

"It wouldn't matter if he hadn't," I said, flatly. "I don't love him."

"Don't you?" His tone was detached, mildly inquiring. "A few weeks ago you would gladly have died for him."

"We don't live in _a few weeks ago_."

Then I felt his cold fingers on my skin, below my jaw, his thumb stroking my cheek. I turned to face him slowly; he looked tired, and older somehow.

"_You're not over him, Bella_."

I made no response; his thumb continued to stroke, infuriatingly gentle.

"I will leave on Friday. I'll try to bring him back. God knows he already regrets his decision."

I looked at the shelves.

"He can't live without you, Bella. We know that."

With a finality to the words, his hand left my face.

"But I love you, Carlisle," I said, numbly.

"Maybe you do. And I love you. But it doesn't matter." He smiled, eyes crinkling slightly. "I have Esme, and you, Edward."

I reached for him, tears stinging the backs of my eyes. He kissed me, and then parted us, his finger light and cool upon my lips.

"Goodbye, Bella."

The door shut with a gentle click.

"Goodbye," I whispered.

* * *

_A/N: _

_1) Can you guys name the book I've shamelessly copied from in one part of this chapter? _

_2) Oh dear. What shall happen? Ending A (BxC) or Ending B (BxE, CxEs)? Both are bittersweet.  
_

_I don't know if I can manage 'happy ending' with this story. I find it too easy that a) Carlisle and Esme can simply fall out of love and divorce so quickly, and/or b) Bella just stops caring completely about Edward. But if you can think of a way...do tell me!  
_

_So, REVIEW and share your thoughts and ideas!  
_


	7. Chapter 7

_"Goodbye," I whispered.  
_

* * *

I spent a timeless time alone in the blankness of the ladies' room.

I was soulless, causeless, now. It seemed melodramatic; it was true.

What was there for me to live for?

Jessica came in, clearly looking for me. I watched the alarm register in her face by the reflection of the mirror.

"Bella..." she began, uncertainly. "Um, are you okay?"

I didn't reply, but watched my lips twitch into a slight, painful grimace of a smile.

"Charlie was getting worried," Jessica said, uneasily.

"I'm alright. Thank you for coming."

I turned my back on the shell in the mirror, but I bore the hollowness in me.

* * *

The farewell gathering was ending by the time I reemerged into the night air. Carlisle went around, shaking hands, bestowing polite hugs where appropriate.

"Dr. Cullen," Charlie said, gruffly, shaking his hand. "We're all gonna miss your family around here."

"Thank you," Carlisle said, quietly.

I felt his gaze shift to me, but I looked at the ground.

"Goodbye, Bella."

His arms went around me briefly in an impersonal hug.

* * *

Friday was bright, the sky a clear cloudless blue as on all the most depressing days of my life.

I parked the truck outside the house and got out. Somewhere, Carlisle was in his Mercedes, leaving me behind. Me, the insignificant human; what was I put one fragment of his eternal existence?

Charlie wasn't home. I sank down against the tree in our yard and cried.

* * *

He'd just left the Welcome to Forks signboard behind him, the backside of which was painted with Please Come Again!

How I wish it were that easy, he thought, bitterly, and his hands clenched on the steering wheel. Breathing out slowly, he loosened the grasp infinitesimally. He would break it if he did not calm down.

He'd made the good decision. The honourable one.

The right one. Surely, the right one.

* * *

Life went on as usual without me, and by the time I'd picked myself back up only Angela was really speaking to me. I sensed it would take a long time to burrow back into their group.

I didn't care.

It was from weekends that I shrank, particularly those with limited homework. What was I supposed to do? It just reminded me of the trips to the Cullen house I'd used to take so often.

It was two months later, in the cooling month of October, that the nomads came. It was strange, that of all places in Washington, they chose Forks again; and of all people to prey on, me. But then I had a knack for attracting danger. That was a fact now.

I knew the man in the deserted backlot of the grocery store with me was too pale, too beautiful.

"What a curious truck," he said, softly, coming up to me. Resigned with a cold dread I was too familiar with by now, I smiled in pure weakness. His eyes were like rubies.

"It's very pretty."

"Don't play with your food," I managed somehow, the words tripping off my tongue, my voice cracking. His eyes widened in curiousity, and I could see twin violet reflections of my frightened face.

"You know?"

There was no way to answer that. If I said yes, then what? What if I said no? I stared at him, my eyes frozen to his face, the features inhumanly perfect. His hair was blonde, but cropped short, unlike Carlisle's, almost army style. He was beefier than Edward but smaller than Emmett, and yet so unlike Jasper.

He smiled, sinister and kind at the same time, a disturbing mesh. "You've known our kind. And _survived_. Tell me, were they abstainers?"

"Yes." Abstainers all, I thought with a strange fierce pride, even Jasper, who found it so hard. It was nothing this creature could understand.

The vampire laughed, the sound inappropriately beautiful, the white of his teeth glinting in the afternoon sun. "You have never truly known us."

I stayed still, but I knew I couldn't have moved if I wanted to.

His eyes raked over me with a queer approval. "Stay safe," he said, so very nearly sneering, and then he was gone in a buzz of speed.

* * *

I was shaking uncontrollably the whole way home, my truck at a snail's crawl for fear I would lose control and crash off the road, yet my heart screaming at me to screw the speed limit and just get back. Each contraction of my off-pace heart beat the question in my head. Why? Why? Why hadn't I been killed? Why was I still alive to be driving home right now? Why did they always find me?

It was still not safe in my bed. The covers were nothing against them. _He_ flashed into glaring sight again, his twin red eyes, the look in them.

I slept.

* * *

And I dreamed.

Carlisle sitting like a marble statue, too perfect, Edward standing white and still beside him. And _him_ before me, right there, close.

"_Bella_." Strained as a vampire's voice could be, I could not tell if it was Carlisle or Edward calling me.

I woke. The room was still and black around me. Charlie had turned the light off and closed the door.

I slept. The next time, it was morning.

* * *

_A/N: Thanks for all your comments and votes. Let me assure you all I want to make Ending A possible too. And it is to that end that I am writing. Sorry for the long delay._

_Please continue to review. It's what keeps this going._


	8. Chapter 8

A/N: Hi. This is a rare very-soon-update.

_

* * *

_

_I slept. The next time, it was morning._

* * *

I was pale, and the rings beneath my eyes were darker and more pronounced. But I couldn't linger on that description, because it was too familiar, and hurt too much.

The comb crackled with static.

I stopped combing my hair, and remembered.

_Him_.

My room was empty. Slowly, I felt myself calm. Surely, if he wanted to kill me, he would have done so already?

Unless he was sadistic, like James.

Whatever he chose, I was sure there was nothing I could do. Besides, I had no help now. There was no _seven of us, two of them_. No, it was one of me and - however many of _them_ there was.

Resignation filled me. It was already my normal emotion, overtaking neutral. I was resigned, never truly happy.

* * *

He came at 12:03 a.m. I know because I was sitting at my desk staring at my alarm clock.

Silently through the window, and there he was, ghostly pale, reflected plainly in the glass pane of the clock.

"Hello, Bella," he said, smiling as he spoke. He crossed to my bed and sat down.

With a strange mobility, I turned my chair to face him. It seemed better somehow that he had come. It ended my anxiety.

Better to end it sooner.

He seemed very slightly disappointed that I was not terrified at his knowing my name.

"You can call me David." That same expression, half genuine smile, half smirk, spread across his face.

"David." Repeated woodenly.

"Relax," David said, and his tone, too, was only half taunting. "I only want to talk."

It was frustrating and all the more frightening because I couldn't place him, couldn't place this David. He was not a 'good' vampire. He was not an evil one I could bracket with James and Victoria.

And he only wanted to talk.

"These vampires," he said. "Your abstainers. Where are they?"

"They just left."

His eyes lit up, and I noticed then that they were a strange colour, a sort of reddish brown that could almost be ocher in some lights - yet when he looked right at me, definitely tinted burgundy.

What did _that_ mean?

"Just left," David repeated. "Carlisle. Carlisle Cullen."

I felt a stripe of pain at the name, but more surprise at this David's knowing it. "Yes."

The vampire looked delighted, more Cullen-like than I had ever seen him. "My old, annoying, vegetarian friend. Tell me, is it true he's acquired a _family_?"

"Yes."

"Amazing," David said. "When we met in 1932 he hadn't even found his singer yet."

"His singer?"

"That one being, usually human, whose blood and heart calls to his senses." He eyed my confusion. "A soul mate, you could try to call it."

"But..." I tried to remember from the afternoon I'd learned of Carlisle's history. "He _had_ found his...singer. Only a few years after 1917. Esme."

David looked confused, until the last word. He laughed. "Esme was not his singer, Bella."

"Then - what was she?"

He smiled, looking slightly pitying, though I was sure it wasn't for me. "She was his 'true love'. One level below a true singer. Her blood did not call to him."

I tried to digest this. But Carlisle and Esme had always been so - why, they were the epitome of true romantic love to me, the pinnacle of a perfect couple.

"But what happens when - Carlisle does find his singer?"

"Then he's screwed." David smirked again. "That's why I was surprised he'd actually assembled a family. Around what relationship? Had he actually found his mate?"

"But then," he continued. "He may never find his singer. Some vampires have gone forever - even in vampire years - without finding theirs."

There was a silence. David smiled at me quite suddenly without a single trace of malice, which took me aback quite a bit. "Thank you, Bella. That was enjoyable."

* * *

I remembered then that not all vampires could, like the Cullens, talk to humans everyday. Even for the Cullens it was hard. Not Carlisle so much, but - I remembered that clear discomfort around them, Alice and Jasper, Emmet and Rosalie, Edward, in school. It was unsettling, to say the least, being with vampires.

Surely, I was not pitying this David. He would surely have killed me had I not known the Cullens. He was a murderer. His not killing me did not redeem him.

Suddenly, I understood how a sufferer of Stockholm Syndrome would feel.

* * *

"I went hunting earlier today." David had gotten up and still I shrank a little in my seat. "The choice is quite nice in these ranges. Too many mountain lions, though. I never fancied carnivore-meat." He made a face. He'd moved to beside the window.

I watched him a little less warily than I should have, feeling less frightened than I should have been.

"Well, goodnight, Bella."

"Wait."

He stopped and turned to stare at me in surprise, though some pleasure was evident in his face as well. Meanwhile, I was absolutely aghast at myself. A murderer-vampire was about to leave my room and I told him to wait?

"Y-you hunt animals?" I stuttered.

His eyes were nearer ocher on mine now. "Sometimes. Carlisle rubs off."

"You prefer humans."

David smiled, a chilling smile. "I'm a vampire."

After a last, slightly questioning look at me, he turned and disappeared out the window.

* * *

I was angry, and petrified, to realise that I felt just a little bit happier than I had been for the past few months, when I went to bed that night.

* * *

_A/N: Thanks for those who have stuck by this. Reviews are the best things in the world to a writer, so - write more. Thank you, those who have. _


	9. Chapter 9

_I was angry, and petrified, to realise that I felt just a little bit happier than I had been for the past few months, when I went to bed that night._

* * *

**California**

"Carlisle?"

"Esme."

"We should talk."

Carlisle turned to look at her, smiling, his eyes somehow masking the torture within him. "Talk? Don't we talk?"

"We haven't," Esme persisted gently.

"We've spoken everyday, Esme."

"Not truly." Her gaze was serious. "I feel like we're not...I don't know, Carlisle. Like we're not connected anymore."

He looked suddenly agonized; his hand closed into a fist, his upper body tensing. "Don't say that, Esme."

"We used to be, in a certain way." She sat down beside him, and her eyes were dark with pain but a certain resolve that she would follow through with this conversation. "We haven't been for quite a while - months, even."

He was trapped in her gaze, unable to look away, his expression taut with a terrible fear and self-hatred.

"Carlisle," she said, so softly it was a whisper even for a vampire. "What is it?"

* * *

**Forks**

It became a habit. One I knew I would probably be better off without, but an addicting one, like a drug habit. Everyday was school, dinner, homework, and David.

Charlie didn't know. It sickened me sometimes knowing that David could very well just kill him.

After all, David was a vampire.

And I didn't know him very well at all. He could still be evil.

David was a vampire.

So how could I tell him to leave?

But if I was truly honest with myself, I did not want him to leave. He brought back a little piece of familiarity for me. We spoke of different things everyday, but always the Cullens.

Not an hour passed that I did not think of Carlisle or refer vaguely to his memory in any form. If he could not - would not - be here, then I could talk about him. It was a poor comfort but the only one I had.

* * *

**California**

"What are you doing, Alice?"

"Nothing, Edward. Leave me alone." She glared at her threatening brother. When he was not listlessly moping around the house, he was broodingly checking their thoughts to see if anyone was trying to contact Bella.

Alice went into the backyard, ducked through the hedge and walked along the shade behind the blocks of houses until she was out of Edward's range. She passed her neighbour, wearing a shirt that announced Tuesday! to her, and he smiled at her uncomfortably.

She waited till he went, sat down and closed her eyes carefully.

* * *

**Forks**

It happened Wednesday afternoon.

They snagged me quickly, right off the street as I was walking home from Angela's place after working on an English project. An ice hand over my mouth, a strangely terribly good scent, and we were moving at superhuman speeds.

I was dropped unceremoniously onto the damp leaf floor of the sparse woods. It was dim, and I had no idea where in the forest we were. Despite my resignation fear still clutched to my heart.

It was a female whose brown hair hung straight either side of her face, a face heart-shaped and so white. Her head was cocked as she regarded me happily.

"Hello, dinner," she said, and took one step toward me.

I caught a flash of David in my peripheral vision before he had seized me up and dragged me back against him, snarling at the female in that nightmarish feral way.

* * *

**California**

"Carlisle. We have to go to Forks. Now." Alice's voice was low, and she spoke in short quick bursts, reaching to grip his arm.

"Ali-"

"It's Bella," she hissed.

The calm curiosity dropped from his countenance. "Okay."

He read something unfathomable in her eyes before she turned away.

* * *

_A/N: Thank you, those who are still reading this. Sorry for the prolonged delays.  
_


	10. Chapter 10

_"Hello, dinner," she said, and took one step toward me._

_I caught a flash of David in my peripheral vision before he had seized me up and dragged me back against him, snarling at the female in that nightmarish feral way._

* * *

The female vampire narrowed her eyes, lips drawing back. "What's this, David?"

Seeing that her stance was as aggressive as before, he did not let go of me as he replied. "Not her."

"Why not?" The aggression left her face, but it was replaced by a curious, nasty smile. "Do you _fancy_ this one, Dave?"

David did not respond. I stared at the female, my skin numb from the constant contact with David's icy hand.

"Because that's the only valid excuse, you know," she said, silkily, slipping slightly farther forward. "You can't deny my right to _feed_."

"D-" I began.

"Shut up," David growled in my ear, and I froze, the hairs on the back of my neck standing up reflexively. To her, he said, "Yes."

She raised her eyebrows.

"Yes, I do," he said, firmly. "She's mine."

A faint cold thrill started from the lower tip of my spine and spread upward detachedly. "David..."

But the female vampire straightened from her attacking stance and stretched slightly, looking only mildly irritated. "Fine, you can have this one. Bit cheap of you, using me to hunt."

David loosened his grip on me slightly, the beginnings of a smile on his mouth. "Grea-"

Something charged from the periphery of the clearing and rammed him straight past me. All of a sudden Alice was at my side, grip on my elbow. "Hi, Bella." She looked over at David and -

David and Edward. David tried to rise from the ground, but Edward bore down on him, teeth bared in a vicious snarl.

"Edward - no!"

With an effort, Edward moved his gaze slowly, tortuously from David to me.

"You know him?" David asked, having taken the opportunity to rise and circle back toward me very slightly.

"Yes - David, this is Edward Cullen -"

His eyes widened in recognition; and then he was pinned to a tree.

"Edward!" I shouted. "Let him _go_!"

"But he was trying to kill you!"

"He was," Alice said, from beside me.

"No - no, I know David - he's my - my friend."

David's eyes, irises still rimmed with a violet tinge, were wide on mine.

"But he was trying to eat you!" Edward protested.

"Edward, he wasn't," I snapped. "Now get your hands off him and let him go."

Edward narrowed his eyes at Alice. "Maybe he's got some sort of mind-control power."

Oh, for God's sake.

"I _told_ you-"

"Bella."

I stopped dead. The voice was unmistakeable, achingly familiar.

"Carlisle-?"

Despite my pain, my anger at his leaving, I turned ready to throw my arms around him and strangle him to death in a hug of ecstasy; but stopped, because in front of me was not only Carlisle, but Esme, his wife, and Emmett, Rosalie, Jasper, Alice.

"You - you all - all of you -"

I stopped, tears stinging the back of my eyes, realising that they were all here for me. All so far and gone but here now when they thought I was in danger. When _he _thought I was in danger, when _he _thought I needed help.

The dilemma came back in a rush. Edward, and Carlisle. Carlisle.

* * *

"So," David said.

"So what."

"Edward is your soul mate?"

My eyes snapped up to him involuntarily. "Yes - maybe."

"I am intrigued, Bella. Very much so."

"Well-I mean. He wants my blood. He loves me. So he's my soul mate."

"And you his?" David asked, lightly.

"It - it's the same thing, isn't it? If he's my soul mate, then I'm his." I paused. "Right?"

"Well, that depends." His gaze was light on mine, but I could sense he was quite serious. "Do you love him?"

"I loved him."

We are both silent, absorbing the difference of that sentence because of that one letter d.

Then David said, looking at me quickly to judge my reaction, "Is it Carlisle?"

"Was it that obvious?" I blurted, and then swore. "I mean no. God no it's not Carlisle - please, David -"

"Don't lie."

The two of us looked up, startled by this new soft female voice; Esme, framed against the night in my window. She smiled impassively at me, landing lightly on the floor. Her tread is catlike, silent, and I realised almost for the first time how dangerous she could actually be.

David shifted closer to me, perhaps feeling the same.

Her first words were not what I expected.

* * *

A/N: Reviews please! Tell me how absolutely random this chapter was, or why you (dis)liked it!


	11. Chapter 11

_Her first words were not what I expected._

* * *

Esme said: "Carlisle - he's yours."

She gave me a short smile, and sat down on my chair.

"There is nothing - nothing," I said, and the trembling of my voice betrayed the obvious lie. Beside me, David winced.

Why did I even bother?

Perhaps because now that Esme was here in front of me - somebody I knew, somebody I loved - I could not bear to hurt her. I understood for the first time Carlisle's utter selflessness, the honour in his decision to leave. If I could not bring myself to this betrayal - how could he possibly, to his wife - his true love?

_But I love him. _I love Carlisle, in this painful, painful way.

If I could have chosen not to -

What I would give to be so mindlessly in love with Edward again.

But I can't.

* * *

There was a strange mix of pain and pity on Esme's face as she disregarded the lie.

"I realised only in recent months," she began, "that I have spent - so many decades - desperately attached to a man who could never truly belong to me." She lowered her voice. "And Edward, desperately attached to you."

David touched my shoulder very lightly, and then he was beside the window, perhaps to give us some privacy now that it was apparent all Esme wanted was to talk.

* * *

"Edward," I said.

Esme did not avoid my gaze. I flinched, dreading the inevitable hate I would find there. And it was there; how could it not be? Though I couldn't help it I _was taking Carlisle away from her_.

"Bella," came a voice, soft. It was Edward, approaching from the window, opening his arms.

Opening his arms to _me_.

The ghost of his old lopsided smile was there, hopeful and pale.

I felt my heart begin to break all over again, the worst sense of shame and guilt. Hugged my knees hard, but it did nothing to help. I could not look him in the eyes. The smile faded, his eyes darkening, and he met Esme's glance briefly before looking away.

"I don't believe this," he said, bitterly.

The tears escaped and I gave up trying to contain them. "Edward...I..."

"Don't tell me you're sorry."

"Edward, you have to understand," Esme said, gently.

"I have to understand?" Edward smiled humourlessly. "Understand that as soon as we were gone Carlisle - I cared about Bella, Esme. He _knew _that. And yet-"

"He did know that," Esme agreed. "It hurt him that much more. He tried so hard."

Edward stopped. "What?"

"Edward, you read minds and you didn't sense this at all," she sighed. "I suppose...you were too infatuated at the time. Carlisle cared about Bella too, Edward. More than either of you knew."

* * *

**The Cullen home**

"Carlisle," Jasper said, in a vampire whisper, to Alice; Carlisle had just left the house. She met his eyes clearly. "Alice...what happens?"

Their eyes were all on her, Jasper's and Emmett's and Rosalie's.

She shook her head slowly. "I don't want to look."

"What will happen to _us_?" Rosalie asked, her voice frightened, void of the usual acid. They knew she meant all of them, the Cullens, the family that everyone felt so extraordinary in the vampire world.

Now they were falling apart, crumbling at the very foundation - at Carlisle and his love for Esme.

* * *

"You remember," Esme said, with the air of beginning a long and heavy explanation, "when you first met Bella?"

"I do," Edward said, the sound barely audible from immobile lips. "I felt I couldn't stand it, felt I should surely kill her."

"She is your singer. Her blood calls to you."

Edward nodded, accepting this. My skin, flesh, bones, felt cold. I was Edward's singer, and he loved me. How could I not reciprocate? He was the most wonderful being in the world - the most elegant, the most graceful -

_No_, my mind cried, _Carlisle, Carlisle, Carlisle_, and I shut down, stopped thinking, because it was a tempest in my brain.

Esme's eyes turned to me. "When Carlisle came back from work the day of your near-accident, he...he was distracted. I could sense it in the way he moved, the slightest difference in the lines of his body."

My tongue chafed against my lips when I tried to wet them, but I had nothing to say anyway.

"You mean she's his singer?" Edward asked, harshly. "Bella's blood smells better than most - anyway."

"Edward, you know Carlisle. It's been three centuries. Three centuries of restraint, until the immunity he has now. It would take something very powerful."

And now I could see the flicker of something that I knew so well myself in Edward's eyes. There was resignation with his anger.

Esme looked tired. She was calm and reasonable because it was her; because she was Esme - but she was tired, grieved, disappointed. But with Carlisle, or me, or the way things had turned out?

"So you're his _la tua cantante_." Edward was speaking to me now, his face carefully stripped of emotion.

I'd hurt him. Unintentionally, but - I'd hurt him, and I still love him, just not as I do Carlisle. "I - I don't know."

* * *

I did know, deep down, remembering the way Carlisle had pulled me to him, trying all the while to stop himself, but unable to. The forced friendly indifference of his departure. But there is no knowing, no certainty, unless I ask him.

* * *

A/N: _Thank you all so much_ for the fantastic reviews of the previous chapter. I hope you keep enjoying the story; thank you for sticking along for so long.

Had a hard time writing Esme. It was tough trying to figure out whether she was _too_ calm, too fine with it all. And trying to draw the line between angst and whiny for Bella...the Cullen family breaks my heart. *sobs* I fear there will be angst ahead, and...I'll admit it..._I don't like angst_. -sniff- But then, I chose to write Bella/Carlisle...so it's a bittersweet symphony.


	12. Chapter 12

_But there is no knowing, no certainty, unless I ask him._

* * *

It was amazing how everyday life carried on, oblivious of the vampires who haunted my life so constantly. Clearly, I was living a double life, and the disturbing thing was how I was so much more of a shadow in what I used to think was 'real life' - the human life, the one with Charlie and Jessica and Angela and Mike.

But perhaps Forks had never been real life. Perhaps that was the problem. Maybe I'd left it a long time ago back in Phoenix, left it with my mother.

I know that at the moment I want my future in the life which is real to me now - the life with Carlisle.

* * *

Charlie looked only relieved when I told him that I had to stay after school to work on a school project that day. How was he to imagine, of course, that his daughter was in fact going to the supposedly abandoned house of a family of vampires?

The house stood innocently, the curtains shut over the windows, looking appropriately empty.

Somebody opened the door for me; obviously, there was no need to announce my presence.

"Thanks, Alice."

Her eyes were wide and dark on mine. "Hi, Bella." The shadows were there, as always, dark smudges on her perfect face. Could vampires look tired? More tired than usual?

I swallowed and moved on, not sure if I had managed a smile. Esme, Carlisle and Edward were at the table in the dustless kitchen.

I froze in the doorway, suddenly unable to move another step. The three of them grouped together had suddenly inspired a sharp wrench on my heart. I felt somebody propel me gently into the room; probably Alice.

Carlisle and Esme faced one another across the table, while Edward stood like a marble effigy at the end of the table, slightly toward Esme's side. Esme smiled at me, somehow; Edward showed no movement but for his eyes, which locked on my feet; Carlisle, however, buried his face in his hands, pushed his fingers through his hair.

His hair was beautifully gold in the afternoon sun.

"Bella," Esme said. "Thank you for coming."

* * *

They left, all of them, Esme, Edward and the rest, left Carlisle and me alone in the sunbathed kitchen.

I watched him from beside the table until he looked up at me, slowly, his eyes a warm ocher on mine. I followed the tempting sparkles dancing across his face, his forehead, down the ridge of his nose. It was impossible to believe that this face was centuries old; a piece of history, living, before me.

But there he was.

He opened his mouth slightly. I wondered what would be the first thing he'd say; what we were going to do; how we could possibly do anything. We couldn't ignore it. That much was certain, now. Esme would not go on living like this.

Softly, swiftly, he was on his feet before me without seemingly moving, his fingers light on the skin of my face. His scent enveloped me, achingly missed, so purely sweet.

"Carlisle," I whispered.

And he kissed me. I shut my eyes instinctively, reaching for him but barely daring to. I clung to him by the tips of my fingers, feeling guilty for wanting him so much when he was so needed by others. Then he pulled me to him, tightly, wrapped his arms around me.

"I love you, Bella," he murmured, and I knew it was over.

There was no more question about anything.

He loves me.

* * *

Carlisle climbed swiftly, rising quickly out of the lower branches and taking us above the heavy dark green of the highest canopy where branches and leaves intertwined. The mountains rose before us, now, grand and stunning in their grandness, the sheer size reminding us that in the end we were but two souls on this planet.

"Beautiful," I murmured, and he turned to kiss me, softly.

And sitting there, on the topmost branches of the tallest trees, we spoke.

"Explain," I said.

He smiled, something he was doing more often now. "What?"

I smiled back, an automatic response, it seemed. "Everything."

* * *

A/N:

I'm starting to sound like a parrot with Tourette's, but all of you guys? Thank you. Thank you so much - I can't tell you how much it means when you say this story's different, that you haven't seen one like this before. Sorry about the hiatus; I've been doing exams, one after another.

pwrmom2: Thanks for that wonderful review, and for prompting me to finally get something out. I reckon you just about summed up my story, also; the way I tried to get the characters to balance out.

teishamarie: I didn't come up with 'bittersweet symphony' - I'm afraid I got it from the Verve's song.


	13. Chapter 13

_And sitting there, on the topmost branches of the tallest trees, we spoke._

_"Explain," I said._

_He smiled, something he was doing more often now. "What?"_

_I smiled back, an automatic response, it seemed. "Everything."_

* * *

"When I first saw you," Carlisle said, "I loved you, and then..."

I watched him pause and think. We had all the time in the world; I waited, my heart calmer than it had ever felt for weeks.

"And then I was frightened." He turned to me and smiled, the waning sun glimmering across his skin. "You scared me so very much."

_Meeting Bella (Carlisle's perspective)  
_

* * *

"I can't stay here, Carlisle," Edward said, in a low voice. "I will kill her if I stay." He was beside me, sitting despite having no need of rest, his back stiff, curling in on himself like he was still restraining his hunger.

"You can manage." I watched his eyes close, his anger manifest upon his face.

"What if I _do_ kill her? Isn't this more important than letting the family stay here?" His gaze snapped to mine now, black and furious.

"Edward," I said, softly. "I know how you feel. But I also believe that you can control yourself. We'll go hunting, and then please, Edward, go back to school and try again. If after that you still wish to leave - then I will understand."

I knew he could read in my thoughts the honesty of my expressions. Finally, he nodded.

* * *

Edward looked happy that night, when I returned from the hospital. He was playing at the piano.

"Esme," I asked, and she only looked at me and smiled, and I knew that we would not have to go yet.

Later, my son confided in me that maybe this was a good thing, that he had found Bella.

* * *

"Carlisle," Edward said, smiling. "Guess who you get to meet today? Bella Swan."

I looked at him, a little shocked that he was so pleased that Bella was in hospital. He said, "It's okay. She's fine. There was a car accident at school but I stopped the car from hitting her."

Before I could speak, again, he said, "No, nobody saw me."

I met his eyes. "Not even her?"

Edward looked away. "Just her."

* * *

"...come you aren't strapped to a gurney like the rest of us?" Bella Swan's voice, perfectly audible to my ears, floating down the corridor. I paused in my breathing as I approached. She smelled exactly as good as Edward had described, even from this far away.

When I had come near the corner, I knew in my bones that she smelled too good to me.

"...but don't worry, I came to spring you." Edward's voice. The barest feeling of panic was seeping into my nerves; the sweet, intoxicating smell penetrated my lungs, infused me with a raw hunger that I had not felt for three centuries. _Maybe I'm imagining this_, I thought. _Maybe nothing's wrong._

I forced myself to continue around the corner. Bella came into view, sitting up. Her neck brace was under the bed. Her hair was brown, spread in long locks across the white of the pillows. Her mouth opened.

"So, Miss Swan," I said, "How are you feeling?"

"I'm fine." She smiled tightly, as though too many people had asked her that already.

Meanwhile, I was feeling almost physically sick, something impossible for a vampire to feel, of course. But her smell was almost asphyxiating; it lingered in my throat, though I had long stopped breathing. Still, I made myself move to the lightboard on the wall.

"Does your head hurt? Edward says you hit it pretty hard." Edward was standing beside us. I did not dare look at him.

"It's fine," Bella said, again, looking with exasperation at him.

Gritting my teeth, guarding my thoughts, I gently felt along her head. She was fine, she insisted, she wanted to go back to school. I told her that most of the school was probably in the waiting room.

Bella groaned, then. "Do you want to stay?" I asked, joking, hating myself for a burning itch to push her to the bed and breathe her in again.

"No, no!" She hurried off the bed, teetering. Unwilling, I steadied her. She reiterated her fineness once more, and I told her to take some Tylenol if she needed it.

"It sounds like you were extremely lucky, Bella." I signed her chart, glad to be rid of her, the panic still beating, just oppressed, in my heart.

"Lucky Edward happened to be standing next to me," she said.

I glanced imperceptibly at him for the first time. "Oh, well, yes." I focused on my thoughts again. I saw Edward look at me briefly, perhaps curious as to my firm secrecy.

Ignoring them both, I turned to the other boy from school.

She smelled better than any human I had come across in my entire existence.

* * *

_Return to Bella's perspective_

"Wow," I said. "I never realised that you - found me - as much as Edward did."

"No," Carlisle agreed. "And I am glad for it. But Esme noticed, I think."

He looked pained, but he continued. "I tried so hard to conceal it, but I think she saw how you changed me...you broke through my defences, Bella, easier than I had thought was possible. I hadn't been tempted in over two hundred years and yet all it took was you."

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I never would have wished this. Carlisle..."

"I know how you feel," he smiled. "Don't apologise. We can't help this."

"But...if I had truly loved Edward..." I said.

Carlisle did not say anything, but I knew what he would have done had this been the case. He would never have made a move; and I would never have known it. My heart strained at the unfair complexity of our love.

"Tell me about when I saw you next," I said, instead. The forest was beginning to grow dark, but I felt absolutely safe with Carlisle beside me.

"You need to get home."

"It's five. We have an hour or so."

He turned his head to face me, his skin normal again, but his eyes golden. "You just love to torture me, don't you?"

* * *

A/N: Wow. I cannot believe I wrote this, after more than a year has gone past. Anyway, I felt like writing something, so there it was: Bella and Carlisle's first meeting, from Carlisle's point of view.


End file.
